Awww SHIT. Is this thing on?

If it’s a microphone connected to a MacBook Pro, probably fucking not. And whyy?? Why wouldn’t it be on, children?


YES. From the dark corner of an internet that used to be cool, I. Have. Returned. I doubt anyone is even still here. I doubt anyone even reads blogs anymore. Because you’re all on bullshit like FaceHugger squinting into your little ‘Retina’ displays with your high end super thin piece of modern bullshit. AKA. The MacBooK Pro.

You know what’s funny, my little Mac Loving Jerk Faces? You know what sweet, sweet irony life has dished out to your favorite-until-now-forgotten blogger? I am sure you are as curious to know as I am excited to tell you. It hurts to type this but…

I now use a MacBooK Pro every day. It’s true. Yes, it’s true. And no, not because i changed my mind about your little crapcake sandwich of a computer company. I have to use one for work. I am, perforce, now using this calamity of computer evolution, and indeed it is much to my chagrin.

And after two years of it, I had to have an outlet. My daily hell could go on in silence no longer. I hate that fucking computer so bad it’s like acid in my mouth, and no not the good kind.

Every time that hunk of crap pisses me off, I’m going to create new content for this blog. So I might be here every day. Hell I might be here every damn minute! I might just post whenever the hell I feel like it with wreckless, apple hatin’ abandon.

Well, anyway, enough of that shit for now. I’ve got to get some sleep. I’m 10 years older and have that much less tolerance for life’s steaming pile of bullshit.

Aka My Macbook Pro.

Apple Lies

A Holiday Wish

Here’s a little yuletide rambling for the fans, and for you mac sucking little Apple freakazoids that get all giddy whenever one of those annoying ass commercials starring this douchebag comes on TV:

Justin Long - Apple loving douchebag

Actually, I shouldn’t be so trite. I haven’t met Justin Long in person, and who knows maybe he’s a heck of a guy. But, he sold his soul to the Cupertino Conglomerate, which automatically justifies his douchebaggery. So without much further ado:


Ah, that felt better. Now, on to my little rhyme:

Fuck you Apple loving freaks of Planet Earth
Your mother has hated you since the dawn of your birth
You like shiny white plastic and mortgaging your spleen
to afford a computer and 10 jars of Vaseline
Smear it all over that iMac
Get that iPhone ready for love
You can suck my balls Apple Community
But be sure to handle them with kid gloves
Apple Can Suck My Balls
And You’re All Fucking Lame
Apple Just Bent You All Over
So Smile, Here Comes the Shame!


APple sucks

An Ode to Overpriced Plastic Crap

Dear Apple,
How do I hate thee

Oh purveyor of cantankerous detritus
Oh fine swindler of technological putrescence

A macbook pro, fervid slop
Quivering jello pudding pop
I’d like to rip your ass in two
Freeze one half then take some glue
And stick it to my dirty shoe
Id walk around and through a field
My hate, like an axe do wield
The legions of hypocrisy
Lined up in wait for iPhone 3
Roast in hell with your wankery

Oh purveyor of cantankerous detritus
Oh fine swindler of technological putrescence

I hate you Apple with my very essence.


MacWorld, and Apple, Doomed!

Ah my little macobytes, a greater feeling of warmth has never been felt by your favorite blogger. A more intense feeling of satisfication and righteous indignation has never been reveled in so much as now. Why, you ask?

Apple pulls out of MacWorld, thats why suckers!!!

Hahahahahah!! Muhahahahahaha!! Bwahaahaha!!

It’s over mac freaks! No more waiting in line lusting for whatever pathetic shiny plastic crap will be unveiled at the keynote. No more blogging about what Apple might have waiting in the wings. No more staying up late at night while your girlfriend is sleeping so you can crank one out to the latest spy photos of the next gen iPod. What is a mac-loving turtleneck wearing apple slut to do?

Personally, I dont know. The only thing that makes me slightly sad about this whole thing is that there will be a little less about the Apple community that I can pick on. You know, pictures like this one:

Losers gawking at a worthless gadget

LOL. Cracks me up every time!! F R E A K S!

Oh well turdwranglers – I’m off for now. But do me a favor – when you cry like pathetic babies over the demise of this POS company, save your tears and send them to me.

I’m going to distill out all wussiness and make an extract that I can take whenever I feel like being an emotional pansy ass. Which is never, so I’ll just sell it back to you on Ebay for a profit.

CrApple takes down KB Doc telling users to protect their Macs

Sneaky sneak Apple takes down site after negative media attention

Well well well, a little media hype and your interest in your users takes a back seat to backing up your lies and filth, huh apple? You dirty rat bastards!! Listen to this garbage:

“We have removed the KnowledgeBase article because it was old and inaccurate,” an Apple spokesman said in an e-mailed statement. “The Mac is designed with built-in technologies that provide protection against malicious software and security threats right out of the box. However, since no system can be 100% immune from every threat, running antivirus software may offer additional protection.”

Umm…ya think? Are you kinda sorta maybe admitting now that your bs claims about ‘no viruses on a Mac’ just maybe were sorta…LIES?

Listen kids, all computers get viruses and malware. Mac’s werent targeted much because they were so obscure and nobody wanted to own one. But now, thanks to malicious ad campagins, outright lies and propaganda, their market share of the PC market has increased 1%. Now the jackass virii writers have your number, Crapple. Im going to laugh till I shit my pants thinking about all the stupid arts and crafts, evian drinking black turtleneck wearing beatnick sonofabitches who are going to show up at the genius bar in the next couple months because they don’t know what anti-virus software is.

Silly Apple – will you ever learn?